Things You Wish You’d Said At The Time . . .
Have you been in the maddening situation when someone’s annoyed or insulted you but you couldn’t think of a suitable response quickly enough and the pithy comeback you wished you’d said came to you hours later?
When “Only Fools and Horses” creator John Sullivan was asked how he thought of the sharp dialogue exchanges between Del Boy and the other characters in the classic sitcom, John said “I just give them the sort of comebacks I wish I’dthought of in annoying situations, but hadn’t at the time!”
Sir Winston Churchill may have been a national hero, but his bullishness occasionally rubbed his contemporaries up the wrong way, including individuals with a wit as sharp as his own.
After prodding a portly male friend’s stomach and jokily enquiring, “What are you going to call the baby?”, the immediate reply was, “If it’s a boy, John. If it’s a girl, Mary. And if it’s wind . . . Winston!”
Back of the net!
A friend of mine and his wife had a weekend visit from a couple (let’s call them Doris and Boris) they hadn’t seen for ages, who’d become boorish snobs since they last met and behaved obnoxiously all day Saturday.
Then, things got worse when they all went out to dinner with mutual friends in the evening . . .
The experience was a ‘horror show’ from the moment Doris requested a starter that wasn’t on the menu, declaring, “Chef will enjoy making that!” and Boris ordered the most expensive wine on the menu, despite the fact he’d been unemployed for months.
As that bottle didn’t go far between six, my friend named a different, less expensive wine they might like to order.
Pulling a face, Doris said snootily, “I’m not drinking that muck!”, to which my friend said, “You were happy to drink it at our house last night!”
You’d think that would have given Doris pause for thought, but she had the brass nerve to say, “I didn’t say I enjoyed it!”
To which my patient friend coolly pointed out, “Well, you didn’t refuse a second glass!”
There was no possible answer to that.
Back of the net again!
……………………………….
Whoa, hold your horses!
If I had a shiny penny for every time my late grandma wagged her finger at me and said, “Don’t you dare ditch your winter gear until May is over,” I’d be swimming in a sea of cash right now.
She was dead serious about this rule and would make me parade around in a puffy winter coat, even when the birds were singing and the sun was shining in April.
But one year, I decided to be a rebel and put her theory to the test.
In early May, I ditched my coat like a hot potato.
And, wouldn’t you know it, the weather turned colder than a penguin’s belly!
I instantly regretted my decision as I shivered and cursed under my breath.
My grandma couldn’t resist a chuckle and triumphantly declared, “I told you so!”
But let me tell you, she took this clout-casting rule to a whole new level.
One summer, I paid her a visit in June, expecting some sunshine and warmth.
But there she was, still bundled up in her winter coat, adamant that the saying applied until the end of June.
I couldn’t help but giggle at her stubbornness.
I mean, who needs a winter coat when you’re sweating like a pig in the summer heat?
In the end, I’ve come to realise that it’s best to take this saying with a pinch of salt and rely on good old common sense when it comes to dressing for the weather.
But I’ll always cherish the memories of my grandma’s hilarious devotion to this quirky old saying.
She may have been a tad extreme, but she sure knew how to keep life interesting!
————————-
Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy.
You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk
Leave a Reply