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The latest Phil Evans column

Phil Evans

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The latest Phil Evans column

Posted By Robert Lloyd

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy. This column appears in the South Wales Evening Post, Carmarthen Journal and Llanelli Star. Website – www.philevans.co.uk

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FOR PETA . . . FOR WORSE?

As we’re approaching December 25th, I thought I’d ‘talk turkey’.

But I ‘chickened out’ . . .  in case it incurred the wrath of ‘The People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals’ – better known as PETA.

Recently these ‘Vegan-gelists’ pressed the inhabitants of the Dorset village of Wool to change the name of the place to ‘Vegan Wool’ toPromote kindness to sheep’!

Had PETA done some research before making themselves look silly, they’d have discovered ‘Wool’ is an ‘Olde English’ variation of ‘Well’ and has nothing to do with sheep.

Unable to keep their paws (can I say that?) off our language, PETA now want to remove many long-established everyday phrases and sayings which, they say, ‘Perpetuate violence against animals’.

Really?

Generations of people have said “There’s more than one way to skin a cat” and “You’re flogging a dead horse”, without causing stress to any hyper-sensitive members of the animal kingdom who happen to be within earshot.

I loathe cruelty to animals.

I’ve been all over the world (and Prestatyn!) and I’ve never onceencountered anyone removing a feline’s fur coat or taking a rolled-up copy of Horse and Hound to a deceased Dobbin.

Soon, PETA will start accusing anyone who says “I’ve let the cat out of the bag” of a hate crime . . . even though putting a catintoa bag is much more cruel.

Especially if you’re taking a Tom Cat to the vets to be snipped.

‘Helpfully’, PETA have come up with alternative phrases, which they’d prefer us to use.  

But those of us with common sense must refuse to use their daft new sayings.

They include “You can’t feed a fed horse” (!) and “There’s more than one way to peel a potato”.

Where will their infuriating interfering end?

Laurel and Hardy brought joy and laughter into the world, while PETA seems determined to extinguish it.

If they ever try to ban Stan and Ollie’s classic comedy “Way Out West” (which contains the line “You can take a horse to water . . . but a pencil must be lead”) that’ll definitely put the cat amongst the pigeons!

Oops!

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THE REALITY OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPING:

Why don’t Christmas shoppers reallylook like they do in the adverts on TV? 

Smiling families, matching jumpers and scarves, calmly strolling around the shops, snow gently falling around the town (they never seem to carry ANY bags though, have you noticed?)

Now, here is the reality . . . 

The city centre is packed, people all walking in different directions (always the opposite way to me). There are men being dragged around shops they obviously don’t want to be in. Children are screaming . . . all surrounded by the same jolly Christmas music in every shop.

Then we have department stores doubling up as saunas.

It’s freezing outside so you have to wrap up, but as soon as you walk into a shop it hits you like one of the other half’s midlife flushes!

Oh yes – you can relate to this, can’t you?

It’s the children I feel most sorry for, strapped firmly into their pushchairs with only a Jenkins pastie for company (other pastie providers are available!), so many shopping bags hanging on the back of the pushchair, both child and pastie are in danger of tipping backwards and being catapulted across Debenhams.

Happy shopping, my friends!

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

Please again include www.philevans.co.uk

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