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The latest Phil Evans column – May 15

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The latest Phil Evans column – May 15

Posted By RobertLloyd58

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy. Website – www.philevans.co.uk



Thanks to decades of watching American films and TV, I have the impression that our cousins across ‘The Pond’ – particularly the wealthy who live on the East and West coasts and have time and money to spare – take it for granted that they need to regularly visit a psychiatrist.

They spend an hour’s session lying on a couch while unburdening themselves of past frustrations, slights and injustices in a bid to ‘learn to know themselves’.

They see their psychiatrist more frequently than we see our hairdresser and barber.

Talking of which, have you noticed there are more barber shops around than at any other time in human history, despite the fact loads of men deliberately adopt the smooth Telly Savalas/Kojak look, so have little need to visit a barber?

It’s a mystery worthy of Conan Doyle.

There may come a time when yours truly might feel the benefit of psychoanalysis, but until I do, I’m able to unburden myself of life’s frustration, slights and injustices right here on this page on a regular basis.

So, really, I’m using you as an unpaid ‘trick cyclist’.

Which is fortunate when so many things today, how can I put this subtly? DRIVE ME UP THE WALL!

At one time, we didn’t pronounce the word ‘Research’ with the emphasis on the first syllable. But since most of the British media started pronouncing it the way Americans do as ‘Ree-search’ several years ago, a whole generation has grown up believing that’s the correct way to say it.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen online newspaper articles that are headed something like “You’ve been washing your clothes wrong!” or “You’ve been mowing your lawn wrong!”

No, headline writers! You’ve been writing your headlines ‘wrong’!

The word they should be using is ‘incorrectly’ as any ‘fule nose’!

And have you also noticed how “two-times” has replaced ‘twice’ as in “It acts two-times as fast!” in radio and TV advertisements? Yet another annoying American expression that’s crept in.

My usual ree-action to these wrong things is to blurt out a ‘discouraging word’.

Not once.

But two times!



Mister Summer’s arrived at our front doors for his annual visit, carrying a suitcase full of sunshine.

He usually hangs around for a couple of months and although his warm personality is always welcome, he can be a notoriously contrary visitor.

He has a tendency to unexpectedly pop-off on holiday at the drop of a Panama hat for a couple of days, allowing his greyer, rather more miserable brother Mister Rain to move in temporarily and dampen everyone’s spirits.

He certainly dampened my spirits the afternoon I left half a glass of vodka outside on the patio table during a thunderstorm and returned to find it diluted and undrinkable.

One thing I don’t like about summertime is the proliferation of ‘mini-beasts’ it brings out.

If I decide to relax in my garden with a coffee and newspaper, within minutes the creepy crawly clarion call goes up and my chair’s invaded by ants; woodlice; wasps; bluebottles; flies; beetles; big fat bumble bees . . . and spiders of varying size.

Although I’ve had a few unpleasant confrontations with insects and arachnids, thankfully I’ve never gone through what Victoria Price from Porthcawl once experienced.

Suffering from a pain in her ear, she asked her husband Huw to take a look.

To his surprise (and her horror!) he found a live spider lurking in the ear canal.

So, they went straight to the Princess of Wales hospital in Bridgend, where she was treated by nurse practitioner Sarah Gaze.

According to Victoria, “Sarah shone a torch in my ear, said ‘Okay’ and then went off to find someone who would take it out.”

Who was that? Indiana Jones?

Removing the spider was a straightforward task, involving tweezers, a steady hand and a lot of patience. As to how the spider got there, Victoria thought it was hiding in the hood of a coat she’d put on after swimming in the sea.

Worryingly, this isn’t an isolated incident.

A few years back, the singer Katie Melua kept hearing a scratching noise – and when she went to the doctor’s she discovered to her shock that it was caused by a spider living inside her ear.

Worryingly, it’d been there for a week!

And hadn’t the decency to pay something towards the rent.

So, before you rest your head on your pillow tonight, check there’s nothing nasty scrabbling around in your bed and don’t let your ear become a web-site!


You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and  www.philevans.co.uk

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