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The latest Phil Evans column

Phil Evans

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The latest Phil Evans column

Posted By Robert Lloyd

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy. This column appears in the South Wales Evening Post, Carmarthen Journal and Llanelli Star. Website – www.philevans.co.uk

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Ah, Boxing Day! When much of the country’s workforce will snooze through Christmas TV ‘specials’ that usually turn out to be nothing special and films that haven’t been on for at least six weeks . . . 

Christmas Day has been unwrapped, played with and put back in its shiny box for another year.

Don’t be sad, because on the bright side it’ll be months until you walk into a supermarket and again hear Noddy Holder screaming, “It’s Christmaaassss!”

Noddy co-wrote “Merry Christmas Everybody!” with fellow Slade member Jim Lea in 1973 and apparently, each year, it earns them around £500,000 each.

They can afford to hire people to do their Christmas shopping and so avoid hearing their song playing in every department store from September onwards. 

Another plus for saying “Tarra!” to December 25this there won’t be any more – until next year – of those misleading adverts for “Magical Christmas Wonderlands” that often disappoint children and anger their parents when they discover how tawdry the ‘attraction’ really is  . . . after they’ve paid their money and gone in through the gates.

I’m not referring to the big scale, professionally run “Winter Wonderlands” in places like Swansea and Cardiff.

I mean the ones that offer ‘An enchanting Christmas experience at a stunning location’ that turns out to be in field 30 miles from the nearest beaten track.

Just a few weeks ago, at one of these ‘attractions’, the advertised ‘Stunning location’ was, according to one irate parent ‘A sea of mud’; their ‘Magical woodland walk’ was a dangerously steep, hard-core path; and ‘Santa’s Amazing Grotto’ was a cold dark room in which the only decoration was a Christmas tree.

And . . . when Santa appeared his beard kept falling off in front of the children!

It would take a heart of stone not to laugh – if it weren’t for the fact so many people fall for these ads.

I’m sure you won’t.

I’m off to write next year’s Christmas Number One.

Anyone know Mister Holder’s phone number?

…………………. 

I think I’m turning into a bit of a softie. 

Now, some people may find this a bit strange, but, here goes . . .

Our Cocker Spaniel’s name was actually written on my Christmas present list. 

I know, I’m not alone, as millions of people include their pets in the Christmas festivities.

Pets have now been elevated to family member status.

Now when did this all happen?

To be honest with you, I’m convinced that the reason for this is that they are more appreciative, less argumentative, more loyal, less moody, love unconditionally and don’t pout for weeks on end like their human counterparts. 

If I accidentally locked my partner and my Spaniel in the boot of the car, there would only be one who would genuinely pleased to see me when I opened it.

Pet lovers are all around us and the sale of pet toys and goodies have rocketed in the past five years.

Pet clothes?

Diamante collars?

I’m not too sure, but yes, people are buying these, too.

My spaniel, however, prefers a onesie.

Who’d have thought?

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

Please again include www.philevans.co.uk

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