IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that an elderly man in possession of a mobile phone will get himself into deep trouble.
Jane Austen never had trouble with predictive text and baffling text abbreviations when she was writing Pride and Prejudice.
And I hate to think how her masterpiece would have turned out if she’d had the ‘help’ of Artificial Intelligence (AI).
At my senior age, I’m hoping someone invents a mobile phone that just does voice calls and allows for a spellchecker that stops me making stupid mistakes in messages.
The tech giant Apple updated my phone with AI this week. Did I ask for it? No. Will it help me? I have no idea.
It’s a fair bet that my three-year-old grand-daughter will have a better idea of how it all works.
Meanwhile, I am saddled with a phone which bleeps six times an hour with ‘notifications’ and which still doesn’t stop me from putting a totally inappropriate ‘x’ at the end of messages to my plumber!
There is, of course, some comfort to be taken in the fact that I am not alone in being confused by my fruit-based device.
Back in 2012 we heard how the then Prime Minister, David Cameron, was all fingers and thumbs when sending text messages.
Former Sun and News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks gave evidence to the Leveson Inquiry which, embarrassingly, revealed that Mr Cameron was fond of sending messages which ended with the acronym LOL.
The journalist added that the PM stopped this when he discovered the text shorthand stood for ‘laugh out loud’ and not ‘lots of love’.
In an effort to stop me committing mobile phone blunders, my daughter has printed (and laminated) a handy A4 sheet of paper which she has pinned to the noticeboard above my desk.
It includes helpful explanations for the current mobile phone lingo.
For example, I now understand what the following abbreviations mean –
OMG: Oh my God
TTYL: Talk to you later
FYI: For your information
BFF: Best friends forever
TMI: Too much information
TL;DR: Too long; didn’t read
Worryingly, the above-mentioned daughter has taken to using the last bit of text-speak when messaging on a Friday morning about my latest column in this newspaper.
But, ICYMI (in case you missed it), there is some good news this week for those of us who are often baffled by the jargon/ initialisms/ acronyms/ abbreviations (delete as appropriate) currently in vogue on various messaging services.
On X (please read this as a reference to the old Twitter platform, rather than a big kiss), there is an account (VeryBritishProblems) which helps us oldies understand what’s going on in the world.
This week, they published a list of acronyms designed for us ‘seniors’ to use – and they asked for other suggestions.
The initial list pitched the following suggestions –
ASSOA: A sad state of affairs
FTM: Fair to middling
WTHAS: Worse things happen at sea
NMCOT: Not my cup of tea
GMAS: Give me a second
BUTW: Bit under the weather
CWBAFT: Chance would be a fine thing
BT: Bloody typical
So far this week, the BT abbreviation has been the most-played card.
Meanwhile, other helpful suggested abbreviations have poured in to the X account.
For example –
DYTTW: Do you think that’s wise? (said in the voice of Sgt Wilson in Dad’s Army)
INTEOTW: It’s not the end of the world
IBYP: I beg your pardon?
JPTTL: Just popping to the loo
BIAJ: Back in a jiffy
WMTSO: Without meaning to sound old
WMG: Where’s my glasses?
ICHMT: I can’t hear myself think
LSS: Long story short
BTSSB: Best thing since sliced bread
INRS: It’s not rocket science
GB: Gordon Bennett
OMGA: Oh my giddy aunt
BFF: Best friend fell
ATD: At the doctors
BTW: Bring the wheelchair
FWI: Forgot where I was
ILBIIH: It’s like Blackpool illuminations in here
YTTPLAH: You treat this place like a hotel
WYBIAB: Were you born in a barn?
DYPTBO: Did you put the bins out?
PTKO: Put the kettle on
MG: Mustn’t grumble
There’s hundreds more out there on the steam-powered internet thingy. Let me know ASAP if you spot any good ones!
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THIS week’s brainwave is I’m thinking of starting a podcast.
It will be called How To Find The Time To Listen To Podcasts.
Demand will be high as I’ve realised that, if you listen to constant trailers and promotional material on the TV, radio and online, the average day should be expanded from 24 to 36 hours just to absorb them all.
I’ve started zoning out from most of the BBC offerings, but there are a couple of old favourites which have survived a recent cull of podcast subscriptions. Desert Island Discs and Friday Night Comedy are ‘must haves’ in my book.
Meanwhile, there is plenty of value to be found some local podcasts.
Ambition Is Critical is always good entertainment (although the language can be a bit spicy for some tastes). This week, the spotlight falls on author and sports writer David Brayley.
Good Evening Swansea is also good listening. This week, the podcast features Eirian Wyn, Baptist minister (Seion Newydd Church, Morriston), a member of the Magic Circle and the chaplain at Swansea City Football Club.
Finally, What’s Your Stori? is always taking a positive spin on Welsh life. This week the conversation is with Gerwyn Tumelty, director and founder of Coron Projects.
Check them out . . . if you have time, of course!
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