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The latest Phil Evans column

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The latest Phil Evans column

Posted By Robert Lloyd

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy. Website – www.philevans.co.uk

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I was in a coffee shop recently, where I had an hour to spare to indulge in my favourite pastime.

No, not thatone! How dare you!

While sipping my skinny latte, I discreetly listened-in to conversations and observed people’s behaviour, a habit which has always been grist to a comedian’s mill.

Not that I know any comedians who collect grist or live in a mill. But I remember reading that the late Jim Bowen lived in a converted railway station.

He hired builders to knock down the station tea-room and shorten the platform and in a matter of weeks it had come to a halt.

That’s a joke only regular train travellers and train spotters who can read words of more than one syllable may get.

The coffee shop I was in was a branch of a well-known chain and around me people were tucking into chocolate biscuits, paninis, pannatone’s with real butter etc.

Delicious – but not particularly healthy.

Because the counter, decor, tables etc. were identical to every other branch of this chain, until two nurses walked in, I’d momentarily forgotten that it was inside a hospital.

I was waiting for visiting hours to start so I could pop up to the ward to see an old friend who was in for a minor procedure.

‘Procedure’ sounds so much pleasanter than ‘operation’ doesn’t it?

From my observations, I find it ironic that the NHS tell us to eat healthily so we’ll be less of a burden on them in later years, yet they’ve allowed this coffee shop chain to open branches in hospitals all over the country.

While the food they serve is always delicious and of top quality, wouldn’t it be better for hospitals to open cafes that serve healthy salads, fresh fruit and meals with low salt content rather than cheese and ham toasties, chocolate chip muffins and sugary hot chocolate drinks?

Must dash!

The chip shop closes in five minutes . . .

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On Easter Sunday, I was sprawled in front of the telly . . . eating my chocolate egg . . . when suddenly the manager of Curry’s/PC World came over and yelled at meto get out!

This year, when I opened my chocolate egg and noticed that the packaging didn’t actually mention Easter– just ‘Chocolate Egg’, as if the manufacturers were embarrassed to include the word ‘Easter’ in case it upset potential buyers for whom Easter had no meaning.

Confectioners make, advertise and sell chocolate eggs this time of year for a reason and not because it’s Pancake Day or National Pie Week.

But because . . . it’sEaster!

Children talk about ‘The Easter Bunny’; the holiday’s called ‘The Easter Weekend’; the Sunday is ‘Easter Sunday’; all the clues are there!

If this trend continues, what might happen in the months leading up to December 25th?

Will shops, supermarkets and department stores coyly hang up signs that just say “Happy…..!” or “Merry……!” leaving out the rather important word ‘Christmas’ so no-one is offended?

Wait and see . . .

Talking of being offended, I certainly was when I read that at Easter, hospital A & E departments were over-run with people who’d made themselves ill by over-indulging.

“People are coming into A&E with stomach aches caused by too many Easter eggs and a big Sunday dinner. You’ll feel better after a rest at home and drinking plenty of water”.

I’ve heard it all now….

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

 

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