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The latest Phil Evans column

Phil Evans

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The latest Phil Evans column

Posted By Robert Lloyd

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy. Website – www.philevans.co.uk

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THE PRICE OF LOVE WENT UP THIS WEEK

If you’re a man with a ‘significant other’ and you’ve forgotten it’s Valentine’s Day, there’s a good chance you’re feeling chilly after receiving an icy stare and a cold shoulder .

But take heart if you didn’t buy the object of your affection a card and flowers – or book a restaurant for a romantic meal tonight.

Neither did I!

For a start, I’ve never met the object of your affection.

It’s not that I’m unromantic.

I just get annoyed that in the run-up to today, florists, restaurants and hotels raise their prices – ,and I don’t like being ripped-off.

Next week when all the commercially-created pink fluffiness has evaporated, hotels will fall over themselves to offer you great deals and you can dine out without being surrounded by love-struck couples too busy gazing into each other’s eyes to notice their waiter has been standing next to their table for 20 minutes waiting to collect their plates of uneaten cold spaghetti and hand them an outrageously expensive bill.

There are several theories about the origins of Valentine’s Day.

Some believe St Valentine was a man who was devoted to cultivating a garden full of beautiful flowers which he handed out to lovers – making him sound like a cross between a medieval hippy and Alan Titchmarsh.

Another theory is it started with the pagan festival Lupercalia which honoured Juno the Roman Goddess of women and marriage and Pan the Roman God of . . . er, how can I put this delicately?

Nookie!

The festival involved men hitting women on the back with animal hides to increase their fertility!

As primitive and unpleasant as it sounds, I heard a whisper that it’s still practiced in some remote parts of Wales where family planning is never discussed.

Take a tip from me, lads –

As much as we all hate being ripped-off, next year buy a card and a bunch of roses.

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Bad advertising:

In my job, I do a lot of driving up and down the country and much of this time is spent on motorways, where you really have to have your wits about you.

It’s a free-for-all at times, I’m sure you will agree.

It seems to me that the nation’s driving is getting worse; everyone seems to be in a rush.

Now then, here is one thing that never fails to amaze me.

A few times recently I have been happily travelling along within the speed limit and out of nowhere, right behind me appears someone who is in much more of a rush than the rest of the universe.

I can’t see their number plate as they are so frighteningly close.

When they pass me, I can clearly see the likes of ‘Bob’s Plastering Service’, ‘Pete’s Plumbing’, accompanied by their email address and contact number.

Now forgive me if I’m wrong, but driving like an absolute plonker while advertising your contact details on your van is not the ideal way to promote your business, is it?

Just sayin’ . . .

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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