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The latest Phil Evans column

Phil Evans

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The latest Phil Evans column

Posted By Robert Lloyd

Comedian Phil Evans is from Ammanford. He is known as the man who puts the ‘cwtsh’ into comedy. This column appears in the South Wales Evening Post, Carmarthen Journal and Llanelli Star. Website – www.philevans.co.uk

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Zombies! Who likes ’em? Not me!

They never brush their teeth, shave or change their clothes.

They never send Christmas cards or invite you around for drinks on a Friday evening.

Which is just as well . . . because they’re rubbish at small talk.

Most annoying of all, they move so slowly. You wait for ages if you’re stood behind a couple of them at the supermarket check-out. 

And they take all day at reverse parking.

While you and me know there’s no such things as zombies, there are people who believe they exist. 

These aren’t impressionable teenage horror fans who’ve watched every version of “Night Of The Living Dead” and its many sequels, remakes and spin-offs.

They’re not little ’uns who know about zombies thanks to ‘family friendly’ scary films like “Hotel Transylvania” and episodes of “Scooby Doo”. 

Thankfully, any ‘zombie’ featured in that long-running cartoon series turns out to be the evil proprietor of an abandoned amusement park who (in the closing minutes of the episode, as he’s taken away by the cops) complains that he could have got away with it . . . “If it wasn’t for you pesky kids!”

No, according to a recent survey, 25% of adults who were asked, believed a zombie apocalypse could happen and had taken steps to prepare for it.

They’d stockpiled food and water and planned safe routes out of their home city or town into the mountains and forests.

Presumably because they think zombies rarely enjoy country rambles or go hiking in the hills.

Now, if the 25% of people who believe in zombies are the same individuals who believe that the world is run by Lizard People; that the Loch Ness Monster exists; and that one day “Casualty” will end its 30-year run, we have nothing to worry about.

But if they’re not (and there are millions of gullible people out there who truly believe in these things), then this Halloween the rest of us have good reason to be scared!

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The festivities have started:

Is it just me, or does it feel like Christmas is arriving earlier each year? 

Last week, I attended two dinner functions and was amazed at the fact that Christmas trees and all the trimmings were on display.

The only thing missing was Christmas crackers, hats and Nana standing up at 3pm for the Queen’s speech.   

Personally, I’m not at all ready for the festivities due to work demands, but shops, hotels and restaurants are gearing up for the silly season. 

It’s great to see so many venues already booked up for Christmas.

I am currently writing and preparing to entertain an audience in Pembrokeshire that are ready to start their festivities in about three weeks’ time. 

On the plus side, the comedy material virtually writes itself at this time of year as stories of old tend to get resurrected, much like that old Christmas jumper.

One thing is for sure – you won’t catch me dressing up like a Christmas tree and wearing a silly Val Doonican cardigan anytime soon.

Well, not in public anyway . . . 

Right then, I’m off to start my Christmas gift list ready for my dash around the shops at 3pm on Christmas Eve . . . 

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You can follow Phil Evans on Twitter @philevanswales and www.philevans.co.uk

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